Very Inappropriate Things

Thursday
I was on the College streetcar, reading a book, on my way to get a much-needed fix of Red Room and Rina. The driver turns on the microphone:
"Sorry folks, there's a lot of construction on College Street here, so we're going to be a little delayed."
Not a problem. Thanks for letting me know. More time to read, I guess.
"Yup, they're doing a lot of construction around here."
Okay then. Reading.
"I think this is the most construction they've ever done in this city."
Interesting. Can I read now please?
"Pot holes are popping up like crop circles around here."
Put bookmark in book. After a few blissful yet misleading minutes of silence, I open the book again.
"Oops, better not hit the police officer here."
Sigh. Bookmark.
"Hey, it's not raining over here."
Wow, the weather report right up to the minute.
"Ever wonder why it rains in the west, but then it stops in the east?"
Nope. I was wondering what my book was about though.
"Maybe we're closer to the equator, heh heh."
Hey, a live show. This is almost better than my very interesting book.
"Spadina next, Spadina. Coming right up. Spadina."
My stop. Unfortunatley, I'll never get to hear the end of his monologue, "A Streetcar Driver named Annoying".

Saturday
I was at my aunt's graduation ceremony at Canada Christian College. In the tradition of all graduation ceremonies, it was mad boring and mad long. So in keeping with my family tradition, my sister and I went outside to have a smoke (the tradition started when my mother and I did this at my sister's high school graduation, subsequently missing her receiving the diploma). So we're outside of the building smoking, trying to be innocuous, and this guy comes up to me and says, "Hi. I saw you before and I think you're very beautiful. Can I have your phone number so we can get to know each other?" Hello, Mr. Impropriety. We're at a graduation at a Christian college, for God's sake. If this guy saw me, thought I was attractive and thought, "What would Jesus do?", I don't think the answer would be "Treat this like a singles bar and go get her!" So I say, "Sorry, I have a boyfriend." He says okay and walks away. Then he stops a few feet away, turns back and asks, "Uh.. you have a boyfriend?" Uh... did I stutter? What did he think, that I had a boyfriend when he was in front of me, and got single when he was five feet away? Sorry buddy. But God Bless.

Monday
My mother came to pick me up from Steve's house, but decided to let me drive back. So I'm driving along and she asks me how Steve is doing. I say he's fine. She says she should have asked him herself becaue he walked me out but she didn't get a chance, blah blah blah. I say it's okay, he's doing fine. Then she starts saying how he's looking good, he's looking more manly (he hadn't shaved in the week I was gone) and that he looked like he put on a little weight. Um, okay Mom. Then she goes on and says how the weight looks good on him, how it fills out his face and stuff, and how it makes him look sexy. Uh, excuse me Mom, I just swallowed a little bit of vomit. So I revert to being fourteen and say, "Ew... Mo-om! That's sooo gross!" And she's like, "No, I don't mean it like that, I don't mean sexy, I just mean he looks more attractive. Not attractive to me, but just... oh never mind." Even though she's lived in Canada for about a million years, she still hasn't mastered the finer nuances of the Western phrase book. Like that you don't call your daughter's boyfriend sexy or attractive. Did I mention that my mom is afraid to say things to me now because she thinks I'm going to put it on the internet? Say what you want about the woman, but she does know me well.

Predictably yours,
sbg