I've always considered myself a liberated girl, duckin' and shunnin' domesticity whenever it reared its ugly head. But lately as the list of things I don't want to do gets longer and longer, I've started to wonder if the real issue is that I'm just really lazy. Check out the list and feel free to judge (me) for yourself:
1. Cooking
Like my mother, I hate cooking and am always looking for an excuse not to do it. While my mother prefers pretending she doesn't know how to do anything (Mum: I don't know how to make the pizza! Me: Do you know how to read? 'Cause it's all on the back of the box), I prefer inviting myself over to other people's houses. I do have one specialty – eggs – but unfortunately it is usually a morning food, and I also hate mornings.
2. Cleaning
While I get a modicum of satisfaction by seeing the toilet bowl gleam from my efforts, I generally hate cleaning and hate even more that it is an unavoidable task (we used to pay my aunt to clean when I lived in Toronto, something that horrified many of my friends). At my parents' house, I used to leave the cleaning until Sunday night. I would start at 8:00 pm with the bathroom, and then at 9:00 I would clean the living room during the commercials of Desperate Housewives. At 10:00 I would vacuum. Now that I'm in Stratford, S and I have divided the house so I clean the bedroom and bathroom, he cleans the kitchen and living room. Unfortunately, anyone who lives with a man can understand the true horror of having to clean up someone else's hair from shaving. Not even horror, really, but more the injustice of it all.
3. Walking the dog
It's like having a child – they're really cute when they're cuddling with you, but when you have to give up your leisure time to actually take care of them in some way, it's like *sigh*.
4. Going to the bathroom
Sometimes I'm lying down, snuggled in my robe and a blanket, drinks/snacks/cigarettes aligned in front of me – the perfect relaxation set-up. Then my bladder starts calling. And I think, "God, how annoying. Who wants to get up and go pee?" I had a doctor who once asked me if I hold off going to the bathroom (not sure why – I was there to get my ears checked) and for some reason I was honest and said yes and then he gave me a big lecture about ruining my bladder. It's a lasting guilt trip that usually gets me up (at the next commercial break).
5. Shaving my legs
I'm one of those people who leaves it for so long that I live in fear of my pant leg accidentally riding up. Of course, when you leave it that long, it's all the more annoying to shave because what could be a 5-minute routine becomes a 20-minute ritual that takes a pack of razors. And razors aren't cheap.
6. Creaming my body
Since I'm always late, having to spend an extra 5 minutes that I don't have creaming my body just feels like one more of life's little annoyances. Because I'm black, ashy-ness is a very real concern in my life. But I just hate being naked and cold and trying to put the cream on the tips of my fingertips to reach that ubiquitous space in the middle of my back.
I could add other things – grocery shopping, doing laundry, refilling the water jug – but I think you get the point. I've decided that I need to be rich so I can pay to get all of this stuff done. Except for creaming my body, I guess. But perhaps with all the time saved from getting the other tasks done, that one won't seem so daunting.
Lazy and lovin' it,
sbg
3 comments:
Since "going to the bathroom," "shaving my legs," and "creaming my body" are basic general hygiene concerns, I regret to inform you that you may be lazy.
Luckily, I still love you.
You once had a genius get rich quick scheme about a "middle of the back lotioning device"... errr, something to this effect. Imagine the Home Shopping Network fame and late night infomercial antics, "NO! Did you see THAT?! (applause) It actually got between the shoulder blades! (crowd gasps and nods) I don't believe this (host claps and shakes head) In all my life, I never imagined."
Then, you'll have the dough to have a personal chef (or delivery of ready to eat food), hire a maid (that's not a relative), hire a dog walker (maybe even JLo) and have salon/spa days where you can get waxed... AND really, if you were rich, you could pay someone to lotion our body ("Coming to America" flashback: "The royal penis is clean, your highness").
So you see, dear Greenery, item "6. Creaming my body" may hold the key to unlock a door that will afford you further laziness.
how could i have forgotten about the middle-of-the-back-creaming-device (the name is still a work in progress)? i believe i'm still waiting for jack to make the prototype. pray for me to finish and reach "sham-wow" fame. and then my laziness will know no bounds.